There was a time when I would have believed them
If they told me you could not come true
Just love’s illusion
But then you found me and everything changed
And I believe in something again
– I Choose You by Sara Bareilles
I love how this song makes me want to believe in something as well.
During our first class in Caligraphy when I was in High School, our first written essay in Caligraphy was answering the question, “What’s your biggest fear?”. I fear rejection, neglect and getting my heart broken.That was my answer, as far as I can remember. But I focused more on the broken-hearted part.
I don’t know if it’s the effect of the series and movies that I’ve watched, but I’ve grown up really afraid of falling in love. I couldn’t imagine myself holding-hands-while-walking with a guy in that look-at-us-we’re-in-love kind of way. It’s the strangest thought my brain considered.
However, I’m a normal girl so of course, I’ve been interested to a number of guys in school and in the neighborhood. But it’s plain crushness. Infatuation, as what they say is the right term. That cute, clean-looking guy in the library who’s busy finishing his thesis with his laptop? Crush-type. That boy in the cafeteria who cracks a joke and owned (maybe) the world’s most genuine laugh (he’s got that I-have-a-problem-but-the-hell-I-care laugh) ? Crush-type. That guy who practices every morning a variety of skateboarding styles, not to mention the coolest way he brushes his hair? Crush-type.
All guy seems to be my crush. I admire them. I’m good at admiring and praising people. I can honestly tell a guy that I like him, face-to-face without sounding like I’m flirting. Just plain frankness. But that’s it. We’ll be friends. Buddy-buddy. Maybe also because I’ve grown up with boys that’s why I can’t see myself entering in a serious relationship. “Choosy ka lang.” (You’re just choose-y.), my friend told me. No, I’m not. Besides, you don’t choose whom you fall in love with, right? (Oh, movies.)
I know I am scared. I’ve seen people lost their identity because of love. However, deep down, I believe in the power of that something as well. I just don’t like the Trial And Error Method way these days. It only takes one person to say you’re beautiful, Nick Vujicic once said in a visit to Manila. I’ve kept that well-hidden in mind.
Hoping for the best,